My Mental Health Journey So Far…
My realllly honest experience of anxiety & depression
First up I want to say a massive thank you for all of the replies I got to last week's email. 💌
I heard from a few people that sharing why I cancelled my launch and what was going on with my mental health helped them feel more 'normal'.
Because let's be honest there's A LOT of hot air online about what success looks like.
So today, as it's World Mental Health day tomorrow, I'm going to share a realllllly honest mental health update, and my experience of everything that comes with mental health struggles.
Let me take it back to the beginning...
After I had left uni, I got a job in London.
It was all pencil skirts, court shoes and cute handbags (a list of items I hardly even own any more).
I had made it, I'd reached 'success'.
I had got a job straight out of uni, in london, in a big glass office.
But I was miserable there.
This was the first time I felt truly suicidal.
I was depressed but I didn't have a name for it back then. I felt miserable but I didn't feel I could speak to anyone about it.
I can't remember if I was ashamed or just didn't want to 'bother' people with my 'annoying needs'...
Just getting out of bed each day was a herculean effort, so perhaps actually talking about it felt... a lot.
Eventually I registered with a dr and went to see them about how low I was feeling.
I was told to try meditating...
This was frustrating because when you're deeply depressed...
A: it's hard to motivate yourself to actually want to feel better
B: Meditating just isn't going to cut it
This was back in 2012 so perhaps therapy wasn't as much of a thing back then but this 'diagnosis' wasn't exactly helpful.
8 months after starting my shiny London job, I moved back to 'the shire' where I felt immeasurably better.
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Fast forward to 2018 and life was good.
I was growing a side hustle I was obsessed with, I loved where I lived, I had a supportive partner, I didn't love my job ~ but it wasn't dire...
But that summer, when I was lying on the grass on a gorgeous day on holiday in France, I suddenly started feeling sick.
Then it turned into hyperventilating and uncontrollable crying.
I didn't know what was happening, neither did my partner.
I was struggling to breathe and felt faint.
After it had passed I sat on a cliff looking out at the sea for a long time while I collected myself.
I realised I'd had a panic attack.
My brother had told me about these, having really struggled with them throughout uni.
It passed and after the holiday I returned to work.
But walking into work on my first day back I had another panic attack.
And then a few days later I had another panic attack.
Before long every situation triggered a panic attack.
🚂 Catching a train
🧑💼 a meeting
🏢 a conference where I had a panic attack in front of 200 people
🎾 crowds - hello panic attack at Wimbledon
I went to my dr and they told me to try.... wait for it... deep breathing. 🙄
I mean yes deep breathing helps but when you're going through a phase of daily panic attacks... that alone is NOT going to cut it.
To cut a boring story short, it was 5 trips to the drs before I eventually got signed off work and prescribed Sertraline - an anti~depressant and anxiety medication.
And I was put on the list for therapy.
I took a month off work to heal, start my medication, and do some therapy which my work paid for - 😭 WOW those sessions were a cry-fest lemmie tell ya!
But that month was honestly dreamy.
I lived a SLOOOOW seasonal life for that month. 🧦🕯️🍁🥾🐴🌅
Starting each day with a wholesome walk, followed by a bit of meditation, followed by a bit of working on my side hustle (because I was truly obsessed), followed by some reading.
I realised that's what I want my life to look like all the time.
It's what gave me a real kick up the butt to leave my 9-5 and create a slower lifestyle and do the work I love.
In fact, my business largely exists because of this mental health breakdown.
My business grew and 6 months later I took the leap.
Taking my business full time was the biggest healer of my mental health.
Living that slower, seasonal, intentional lifestyle has been a game changer to me.
So it was a surprise to me a couple of weeks ago when I had a panic attack out of nowhere.
I wasn't feeling anxious, I was feeling a little dizzy and sick but not so much that I actually paid attention to it.
I went to get some food and right there, in the middle of the supermarket I had a panic attack.
Hyperventilating, feeling faint, crying. 😭 The-Works.
I have no idea what triggered it. Which is the same for my first panic attack back in 2018.
I'm sure my body is trying to tell me something isn't right and I'm trying to figure out what. 🤷♀️
Truthfully my mood has been quite up and down of late. One day I'm full of beans and hyper, the next day I feel crap and lethargic.
So I've decided to go back on to a different type of antidepressant.
So far the new medication ~ Citalopram, is making me feel quite tired. But I'm told that should wear off after 2-4 weeks.
I'm just hoping I don't get the bed sweats on this one. Sertraline made me incredibly sweaty at night ~ gross. 🤢
My experience with anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication
Back in 2018 when I had my mental health breakdown I started taking Sertraline. It's quite a common anti-anxiety/ depression medication - an SSRI.
I'm not going to pretend I know how they work...
... but the annoying thing about them is that they take 2-6 weeks to kick in. So you can't just take them when you feel crap and then ditch them when you don't.
And during that 2-6 weeks they can make your symptoms worse and make you quite tired (something I've definitely experienced).
I was on Sertraline for just over 3 years. They helped me regulate my mood and y'know... function. 🤷♀️
The downsides however were SEEEERIOUS bed sweats.
Yeah... not nice.
I'd wake up and the sheets would be soaking. Gross.
The other thing was I felt they flatlined my mood.
Sure I wasn't experiencing the lows, but I didn't feel like I was experiencing many highs either.
Thinking I could manage my mood with the tools I now have, anddd my freedom-filled lifestyle, I slowly came off the medication over 3-months.
That's the other thing... you can't just stop taking them.
I did that once when I'd run out and it makes you incredibly dizzy. I once went without my medication for 5 days and ended up fainting in a busy shopping center.
I've now gone without medication for 2 years but truthfully my mood has been quite up and down of late. One day I'm full of beans and hyper, the next day I feel crap and lethargic.
So I've decided to go back on to a different type of antidepressant.
So far the new medication ~ Citalopram, is making me feel quite tired. But I'm told that should wear off after 2-4 weeks.
I don't think there's a 'right' one, you've just got to figure out what works for you. But unfortunately you really have to commit to taking it for at least a few months to see if it works.
My tips on finding a good therapist
Something I'm also going to do is go back to therapy.
In my experience... there are some CRAP therapists out there.
Honestly.
I've now found a therapist I think if a GENIUS! But I had to kiss a few frogs to get there 🐸
Therapist one:
I had 6 therapy sessions that my work paid for.
These sessions were on the phone, and they were basically an hour of crying and talking about my childhood for an hour.
I probably should have continued with her but I found doing therapy on the phone without being able to see her or ready her body language a bit weird.
Therapist two:
I got some free CBT therapy on the NHS and it was a DISASTER.
I was given a trainee therapist who kept asking me what had triggered my panic attacks - which I honestly to this day, I still don't really know.
I couldn't give her an answer so I shared some of the childhood stuff that I'd shared with the last therapist and she looked at me clearly feeling slightly terrified and out of her depth.
We called that off after 2 sessions.
Therapist three:
This was by far the worst therapist I've worked with.
My sessions were again mainly an hour of crying. But this therapist insisted on digging into some really raw wounds which left me feeling even more depressed and triggered while I was working with her.
She assured me that it would be worth it in the end. That it might take 3 months, or a year but it would be worth it.
Seeing as she was the 'expert' I trusted her and went with it.
Looking back on that experience now, I don't think she was a particularly nice person, and totally lacking empathy.
She made some really cutting comments and insisted on digging right into my core wounds even when I was clearly in a very dark place (largely triggered by working with her)!
I spoke to a friend about her and she told me...
"You know you can stop? As much as she is the 'expert' YOU are always the biggest expert on yourself!"
Mind blown - so I ditched her, and I wish I'd done it earlier.
Therapist four:
I only had one intensive session with this therapist to help me with a particular sticking point in my life. It was a good session, but it didn't blow me away.
Therapist five:
Finally I discovered my current therapist through a friend.
She's based in the US which means she costs three times as much to work with than any therapist I've worked with before but it's worth it.
When I had my first call with her I explained that I didn't want to always have to dig straight into the most painful wounds. In fact I'd appreciate a gentle approach.
She totally got it and explained to me that we could work together and maybe NEVER have to even talk about the childhood stuff.
She was right - she is a flipping genius.
We can be talking about something happening in my day to day life and she will instantly get how it ties back to something childhood related and help me overcome it without having to interrogate me about my childhood.
As I've grown to trust her I'm now happy to share more with her. But it's a totally different and far better experience.
Finding the right therapist for you:
Based on my experience of working with a few different therapists, here's what I'd suggest might help you find 'the one'.
✅ Date your therapists (thanks to Karen Arthur for this insight - she's totally right). Have a clarity call with a few therapists and see what their vibe is. You'll know on an intuitive level which ones you can get on board with and which you're not going to click with at all. Being on the same level as your therapist IMO is the most important thing.
✅ Be honest with your therapist. Tell them what you need. Need to take it gently, need a kick up the butt with some real talk sometimes, need them to call you out on your BS, need them to take it easy on a particular area of your life you're not quite comfortable sharing yet - tell them that. The right therapist will get it.
Try different types of therapy. CBT was NOT for me, but I know others who swear by it. If one type of therapy doesn't feel like it's clicking for you - try a different type. Something I'm suuuper fascinated by at the moment is equine assisted therapy. If I want to feel calm - I go hangout with a horse 🐴 so I'm excoted to learn more about this.
My tips on dealing with all-the-opinions
When you struggle with your mental health there are A LOT of ... *opinions*, unsolicited advice and JUDGEMENTS.
Like, if you hurt your knee they'd say poor you, maybe make you a cosy soup and leave the rest to the professionals.
But if it's your mental health.... it's apparently a free rein to waaaaade in. 🙄
Firstly, I will say that there are a TON of gorgeous, understanding, non-judgemental humans out there who say and do the loveliest things when you're struggling with your mental health.
... Whether they have experience of dealing with mental health struggles or not.
... And then there are some clllllassic judgements/ advice/ opinions. 🙄😴 Not limited to, but including...
They desperately want to know what's triggered your panic attacks or depression.
And if you don't know (which I rarely do) they will start diagnosing for you. It's probably work, juggling too much, worrying about XYZ, the weather, the moon.
They will tell you you need to exercise more to get the endorphins flowing.
Like, A: this is a bit like being told to 'breathe' and B: are you saying I don't exercise enough. Gee, thanks. 👀
They will say 'drs just hand out antidepressants like sweeties these days'.
Well in my experience, NO they really don't. blood-from-a-stone comes to mind.
But that's not the point.
Maybe the interesting thing is how many people need antidepressants at the moment.
Y'know. Like maybe we're doing something in our society that isn't working, like...
😴 endless work hours
🤯 the heavy weight of expectation on... EVERYONE
😩 stress about work, home, life, finances
📱 the comparison we experience through social media
⏳ the feeling that we should be 'further ahead' in life than we are
The list goes on.
Asking you... Are you still taking that medication, when are you going to come off?
This is another frustrating one because you feel like a failure. And you definitely feel like you're being judged.
There are lots of people who I speak to about mental health who don't ever plan to come off their medication.
No one's telling diabetics to wean themselves off insulin.
If your medication helps you function day to day (which as a business owner is super important) then take it. 💊
I once read (I think it was in Untamed by Glennon Doyle) that coming off your meds can be like standing under an umbrella and thinking...
huh, I'm dry! I'm going to take this umbrella away then - I obviously don't need it.
And then removing the umbrella (coming off your meds) and suddenly realised you're soaking wet.
Maybe that's what's happened with coming off my meds a couple of years ago and experiencing some mental health struggles creeping back in recently.
Either way I'm going to figure out what approach is right for me.
And if you struggle with your mental health, I hope you'll do the same, regardless of the judgements, advice and opinions. 🤎
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